Searching for your agency?

‘”Agency” is the technical term for the feeling of being in charge of your life: knowing where you stand, knowing that you have a say in what happens to you, knowing that you have some ability to shape you circumstances.’ writes Bessel Van Der Kolk in his book The Body Keeps Score – Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.

For many trauma survivors, the insult on the psyche far outlasts that of the physical and cultivating a sense of agency is a daunting task at best. The trauma is so intense that many survivors feel like they've lost themselves and don't know who they are let alone what they want, stand for, or believe in.

seemly erratic behavior as a person tries to exert some control over their life. And without proper support and therapies, survivors often create new coping mechanisms to help protect themselves.

Such a profound sense of loss frequently leads to closing one’s self off, either emotionally or at the hands of substances. By not ‘letting someone in’ there is less of a chance of getting hurt. On the flip side, seemingly turbulent behavior such as running a razor down one’s arm or punching a wall is an effort to exert a sense of agency.

Unfortunately, many survivors find themselves in a frantic downward spiral of agitated activity, trying to exert agency, followed by immobility. These actions often lead to a sense of feeling numb and lost.

How do you break this downward spiral and come back to yourself?

Cultivating a sense of agency starts with introspection, a person’s awareness of subtle sensory, or body-based feelings, mindfulness. Subtle sensory feelings begins with seemingly simple sensations, such as noticing hot and cold, and increase from there. The greater a person’s awareness of what they are feeling the greater potential there is for control of one’s life. Knowing what is being felt is the first step to ultimately understand why that is being felt and moving on from there.

Essentially, mindfulness helps strengthen the parts of the brain that can help you recover and heal.

Additionally, social support is wildly important while you are trying to understand what is going on around you, however, ‘social support is not the same as merely being in the presence of others. The critical issue is reciprocity: being truly heard and seen by the people around us, feeling that we are held in someone else’s mind and heart. For our physiology to calm down, heal, and grow we need a visceral feeling of safety. No doctor can write a prescription for friendship and love: These are complex and hard-earned capacities. You don’t need a history of trauma to feel self-conscious and even panicked at a party with strangers — but trauma can turn the whole world into a gathering of aliens.’ writes Van Der Kolk.

The aim is to find the you that is still in there. You survived. You are still you. A person’s identity is determined by their own choice of action rather than by others’ behavior. In other words, identity is not determined by what others do to you but rather by your response, intention, and its congruency with your values.

I am dedicating the month of June to helping survivors find their agency and to help loved ones understand the type of support needed and how to best give it. . Each day there will be 1 exercise or thought to work on that is designed to help bring you back to yourself and care for those you love.