Feminism and teenage boys

I’m the oldest of a large family, 3 boys, 3 girls, 2 dads, my mom, and a million furry things. My mom did most of the raising. She’s the cornerstone for everything. One dad worked quite a bit and didn’t really know how to relate, he did the best he could. The other dad didn’t know how to be a dad and is more of the fun parent/cool uncle.

My mom is smart, hardworking, fierce, loving, and all around a bad-ass. Even with as much as she’s done for all of us it seems like, with my brothers specifically, the idea of being a feminist is foreign. Somehow, they believe that they still have to add in snide comments and always be right in order to be a ‘man’ and you can’t be a man and a feminist at the same time.

Now, don’t get me wrong, they respect women and help out with chores and respect my mom and sisters but there is some mild disrespect here and there. When it comes to commenting on women they don’t know, i.e. someone in a commercial, most bets are off. And unfortunately, that behavior is one that I see in most families today. I don’t think it’s anything my mom did or didn’t do, there’s only so much of an influence she can have on this topic. It’s more a lack of a male role model and influences from society as a whole.

The youngest of the boys used to live with me for a year and we have the closest relationship. When he started noticing girls I sat him down and gave ‘the talk’ which was met with ‘eeeew. Oh my god. Stoooooop’ as he turned beet red in the face.

I found out last week that he has a girlfriend and they are having sex.

He was visiting for the night and my boyfriend and I thought it might be a great opportunity to not only have a conversation about the birds and bees again but also what it might look like to be a feminist as a male, a good partner, and how to heave healthy relationships. My brother and boyfriend have a good relationship and he’s also one of the only adult males in his life.

“You know how to use a condom…riiiight…?” my boyfriend starts half way through dinner.

My brother stops dead and looks like a deer caught in head lights, “Oh my god, stop…yes, jeez,” he says as he shrinks a little.

“Ok. You used one right…?”

He glares at me them my boyfriend while turning red and shrinking farther in his seat still not wanting to actually admit that anything happened.

“Hey mate,” my boyfriend continues, “be happy that this conversation is between 3 of us. My mom found the corner of a condom wrapper from the first time I did it and waited until all of my aunts and uncles were over and brought it up at dinner. Can you say ‘beet red’? I looked like you but worse. And it went on for about 2 hours before I was finally allowed to escape to my room.”

My brother looked at him with an understanding of the pain of embarrassment.

“I will say this though,” he continued, “the best advice I ever got was from my mom. A week after that happened she took me for a ride and we went to the local park. She pointed to the jungle gym and asked me if I remembered playing on it and how much fun I had. Then she told me how women and their sexuality are like that jungle gym. Now, mind you, this was a big jungle gym. It had 8 slides, tons of tunnels, monkey bars, bridges, ladders, slider things, 5 levels, everything you wanted.”

“She continued by saying that men are simple. The apparatus is outside the body and it’s easy to please, figure one out and they’re all the same. Men, especially at your age, think about one thing and one thing only. Women on the other hand…they’re as complicated as all of that. I sat, listening, and thought about all of the ways you could play on the jungle gym… And with women, especially as they are discovering sex and themselves, it’s not as simple. They’re trying to figure out how their body, your body, and nakedness works too. And even when you figure one out, they’re all different.”

“She used to lecture me on how she raised good men who always take care of their ladies.

‘Take the time to figure her out.’ She’s say, ‘You’ll both enjoy it more.’”

“It took me a while to understand what she meant. At first it was all about me. And then I started to realize that women are so much more complicated and caring and do so much more than I even realize. Not that I’m not a good partner but in order to be a great partner you have to give. Your sister does so much for me. I turn around and I’ve forgotten to grab a towel for the shower and she’s already brought me one. She gets up early and makes my lunch and brings my phone to work when I forget it. The absolute least I can do in bed it to make sure she’s satisfied.”

“My mom finished the conversation by telling me that she expected me to come to her with questions and updates and if I didn’t she would bring up the condom wrapper and embarrass me at dinners for the rest of my life.”

My brother had shrunken in his chair and was trying with all his might to disappear.

“Look mate, this conversation isn’t easy if you’re embarrassed about it. Even if you have great communication with your girl it can be hard. At the end of the day though it’s about respect for your partner. She should be your equal, someone that you’re proud to call your partner. The aim is to find someone who helps you and supports you and takes care of you because she wants to. And the same is true for you. It’s all about respect and communication. Romance doesn’t start when you get naked or start kissing, it begins hours earlier when you first greet them, give a hug, talk about the day, make dinner, etc.”

My brother sat there taking it all in.

“Hey,” I chimed in, “As much as this conversation is about having safe sex and being responsible it’s also about learning how to really enjoy it and have a wonderful experience. You can screw around all day long as long as you are safe but where does that really get you?”

“Don’t be a meat head,” my boyfriend continued, “Don’t have the same boring sex with a different partner over and over again. Unlocking the door and figuring your girl out is the beginning of the journey. We’ll keep having this conversation. And in the mean tme, be a big enough man to check your ego and put someone else first. Part of being a man is treating a lady with as much respect behind closed doors as you do out in public.”

“Any questions Chipolata?” finish my boyfriend.

“Chipolata…?” asks my brother.

“Yes, Chipolata, that’s the small cocktail weeny sausages, my new nickname for you.” My boyfriend has a shit eating grin on his face.

“Um…I’m good, I’ll start the dishes now. Thanks,” my brother says as he disappears as fast as possible.