Vulnerability is the most accurate measurement of courage

I had a client call yesterday and it’s the first one I’ve lost sleep over. She has PTSD from when she was raped at 15. She has learned to manage it and does quite well. She met her ex-husband when she was 19 and spent a total of 6 years with him. He is 22 years older. He was manipulative, verbally abusive and there were incidence of sexual abuse and marital rape.

She left him a few years ago and since then has done a lot of work on herself and has taken major steps in healing and is beginning to thrive. She is now in a healthy relationship, has a good job, and seems generally happy and prosperous.

Her landlord, who lives downstairs, is hiring her ex-husband for his painting business and she is extremely nervous. He has threatened her boyfriend, stolen from her and others, and she does not trust him and is starting to question her trust for her landlord.

“The farther away I get the more clearly I see what was happening. He got into my head and turned it upside-down. I want to hate him for it but that means there is more hate in my life. I feel sorry for him. But now…I don’t know…I feel guilty. I keep hearing stories from people about other shitty things he’s done, he’s screwed over a lot of people. He’s dated multiple underage girls. I don’t even want to begin thinking about the things he did when we were together that I don’t know about.” she said.

“I’m feeling guilty. I want to tell everyone what he did. I want to protect my boyfriend. I want to protect people so he can’t hurt them. I got out and some people never get out. Some people have it worse than me. I still feel responsible.” she added.

We continued in silence for a moment and sat with what had just been shared.

“It sounds like this is taking you back to a really uncomfortable place that you’ve done a lot of work to get out of.” I said.

“Yes, I’m on edge. I’m scared…I’m…this is what my life was like for a long time. I was damage control. I tried to help my ex and stop him from doing something stupid, like drinking too much again, or buying drugs and being around shady people. I was afraid of what would happen. I took on so much to try and help him and us. And now I’m feeling the same sense of responsibility but backwards. I know what he’s like. I know what he can do and has done. And because I do have this knowledge I feel responsible for protecting people from him.” she continued.

“It’s very brave of you to try and protect people. You seem to care a lot about those around you. What did you do before when you felt like this?” I replied.

“At first I tried taking on the world. And that made me depressed and I lost myself. And then, one day, I had enough. I was tired and done. I packed my shit and left. I started focusing on me and, other than to work through what happened, I haven’t looked back.” she answered.

“What resonates loudest with you when you tell me that?” I asked.

“I stood up for myself. I chose me and my wants, needs, and life.” she said.

“How can you do that in this situation?” I asked.

“Ha! I don’t know! I wish I had a new landlord and I wish I had gotten a restraining order…sigh…Alright…um…I think the best thing to do is to talk with my landlord again and make it very clear that I am uncomfortable with the situation and he is not ever allowed up by my part of the house. This is my home. I’m standing up for this. My boyfriend and I have talked, we’re on the same page. We’re just going to be more careful. This sucks. Ok…I’m going to keep doing what I’ve been doing. I am going to get better and better and the stronger I am the more people I can help so they hopefully don’t have to go through what I went through.” she said

We talked through a few other things and finished up the call. That night, as I tried to go to sleep, I kept thinking about the guilt that she was experiencing. I was astounding how much this still affected her and how quickly she went back into a place of being uncomfortable, even after doing so much work on herself and healing.

So many people keep reliving traumas and bad experiences long after they’ve stopped.

Working with individuals so they can heal and move on is equally important as talking about issues so that we can prevent them. The more we talk about things the more aware everyone is, and the less likely it is to happen.

This client is making herself vulnerable by opening up, talking, caring, and sharing. Yet, she is doing so well and is helping herself and others by taking that leap and opening up. Yes, she is experiencing a challenging situation right now, but she is working through it and moving on faster because she has done so much work.

Placing our traumas in a little box and hiding it in a corner in our mind only works for so long.

When you box it up you also box up a part of yourself.