Anniversaries, the good, the bad, and everything in-between

I’m one of those people who enjoys looking back at where I was a year, or two, or however many ago on the anniversary. It’s usually holidays when I take the time to reflect. My conversation often focuses on where I was, how I’ve grown, and how my life is changed. I am fortunate to not have many bad dates in my memory bank that I cycle through year after year.

Today, however, it’s a little different. Year ago, today, I lost my job and my home in hurricane Irma. In a matter of hours my life was picked up, shaken, and thrown back down in disarray scatter across, not only the island, but also quite literally around the world.

In the beginning, I was filled with shock and uncertainty. What was I going to do? What was going to happen? Where would I call home?cWhen would I be able to work again? Would I be able to finish school on time and do a good job at it?

As some of those questions were answered I was filled with a sense of being small and fragile. I was insignificant and there were so many other forces controlling what I was doing that I felt as if I was floating through life with no anchor or ability to direct course. I was confused and began resenting that I wasn’t able to control more.

Why I couldn’t do more?

I don't like that I feel the need to ask myself that question.

Sleep was a challenge and dreams something I wished to avoid.

As I look back, a year later, I also think about the last time I felt so many of those emotions. While it’s been over a decade since I was raped I still remember the resulting feelings and emotions like it was only a few weeks ago. The same thoughts and feelings evoked so many years ago reappeared as the result of Irma. The flood gates had opened.

I find myself having another conversation about how I ‘should’ be farther along than I am. I justify and make excuses. ‘I didn’t have it as bad as others.’ ‘I could have done more.’ The storm shouldn’t slow me down in school. I’m fine. I’m great. Life is fine. Life is great. And on, and on, and on. A part of me envies Ostriches and their ability to stick their head in the sand.

Just keep plugging along.

The difference this time though is that my recovery is moving along much faster than a decade ago. I think the main reason is because I have faced my challenges more head on. I’m not hesitant to talk about the fact that I’m scared, angry, and have trouble sleeping. I am able to tell friends when I need them to listen, could use a hug, or when I want to be alone.

I didn’t know how to discuss anything before, partly because I had no idea what was going on in my own head. In the beginning, nothing made sense, but, by talking about it I was able to articulate the craziness in my mind.

Before, I was afraid to look in. I thought that if I kept looking outward that life would continue on course. Unfortunately, it took me a long time to understand that it wasn’t going to and, at the end of the day, I didn't really want it to.

I was ready for change.

Until I looked inward and, not only felt, but understood what was going on in me, I could not be confident enough in myself to reemerge with an external viewpoint and continue with a life I enjoyed living. That required a LOT of conversations with myself. How do you heal and figure out what you want from life?

One step at a time.

I have met my frustrations, blocks, and challenges head on and with the support of my friends and family instead of trying to handle all of it on my own. There is more strength in addressing what is going on in your life than hiding from it. Talking about it with others not only helps you, it offers insight to yourself and them as well.

You are not alone in your struggles. You do not have to feel sad every year on the anniversary. You can and will continue to grow and make yourself proud.