Kevin

I met Kevin shortly after I moved to town. I worked at a coffee shop and he stopped in a few times a week. After a month or so we started hanging out and eventually dating. He was sweet and knew all of the people in our area. It was all good. We moved in quickly, I was short on cash and struggling a little from the move so I pushed away any concerns I had.

As soon as we were living together things changed. I was expected to do all of the house work. He started keeping track of everything I did and called me all the time.

He began getting angry at little things.

I soon found myself trying very hard to not upset him. My routine changed. I walked on eggshells.

I remember mentioning to a few strangers in passing that I was dating Kevin. I was met with a look of concern and there were even a few ladies who said 'Oh, I know about his family. We know what it's like.' It didn't hit me then. But looking back...I was never allowed to meet his family. I only ever knew they existed.

After a while I heard stories of his father. And then I heard about his brothers. The women around me began checking in on me more and more. And I began doing everything he wanted. I did everything I could to not upset him.

My efforts were not enough to keep him happy.

The first time I called in sick 3 days in a row until I could hide the bruises with make up. After a while I began 'running into doors' and 'tripping on the steps' all the time.

I couldn't see out of my left eye when I looked down to see my positive pregnancy test.

...I was packed and out of the house in 30 minutes. The following morning I had my abortion scheduled. I knew it was a boy and I couldn't...I just couldn't bring another male into that family and I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I'm strong damnit...but not that strong.

I think the hardest part for me is that I want to have children and I know he wants to be a dad, a really good dad. He has such a nice side to him, that's why I fell for him in the first place...

There's something about being pregnant with an abuser's child. A person who hurts you so much shares half of the DNA with a child that is growing inside of you.

But...I can't, I just can't bring another human into this cycle that I can't seem to break. I can't, I couldn't, I wont. I refuse to continue the cycle. It was a boy and I knew it and he would have ended up just like his father. I could have left and raised it on my own, yes, but I wouldn't have been able to give him the life he deserved. So I scheduled the abortion.

There is no right answer here, there is no right way to 'fix' everything. There is not 'right' way.

Period.

I lost myself, I lost a partner, and I lost a child.

I lost the makings of a family, one I desperately want. I lost a person I once loved and a soul I already loved. It's not just the pain from the physical attack, the bruises go away; the verbal assaults, those stay longer. Some say they live with you as long as you're in that relationship, others say they stay forever. It's the pain of ending the life of a bundle of joy. It's the pain of feeling like a monster, the pain of feeling like a horrible person.

That pain lives with you forever.

I found a new place to live. I cry at night when I hear the screen door open and Kevin slowly twists the knob to see if I've left it unlocked. At first, he did it every night. Now, he comes by once a week. Eventually he'll stop. Eventually, he'll give up. Eventually, he will find someone else.

And that is why I am sharing my story. I don't want anyone else to be hurt. I don't want anyone else to feel that pain; the physical pain, the emotional pain, and the self hatred.

I don't want anyone else to be faced with the decision of staying in an abusive relationship and raising a child in that environment, running away and doing it on your own, or terminating a pregnancy.

No one should ever have to make that choice. No one should ever have to feel that pain.

No one wins when there is abuse involved.

I have returned to 'normal' life. One day at a time.

"Good morning, sir, how would you like your coffee today?"

This article was sent in by Shannon. We have been working together for 2 months and she has decided she would like to share her story. Thank you for submitting this and thank you for being so strong.